


all i want to do right now

by foreignconstellations



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Cuddling, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-08 23:36:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8867749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreignconstellations/pseuds/foreignconstellations
Summary: Maybe any kind of physical contact will help. Philip’s all out of words, anyway; this is all he has left to give. And he wants to be close to Lukas, too, wants to curl around him and keep him warm and safe.
(set during 1x08, when they sleep in the same bed)





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aroacejeanprouvaire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroacejeanprouvaire/gifts).



Philip is used to talking people down. To staying cool, to coming up with solutions, to fixing the problem; or at least, making the problem smaller or farther away.

But he doesn’t know how to fix this. Someone very much wants to kill Lukas, would want to kill Philip too if they knew he existed, and Lukas can’t remember the guys face. And Philip can’t help – he’d know the guy if he saw him again, he’s (mostly) sure of that, but a face is a face to him, and he can’t think of a way to describe it, can’t think of a way to help Lukas. He’s been wracking his brain all day, trying to find some way he can fix it, make it all go away, and he’s come up with nothing. The closest he’d gotten had been when they were in the barn, when they’d laughed and been silly and kissed on haystacks. He’d been able to forget, then, for the most part, and he’d felt Lukas relax under his hands the longer they kissed (however long that had actually been. It happens, when he and Lukas kiss – less like time standing still and more like it simply ceases to matter at all).

He doesn’t think either of them are in the mood for more of that right now, but maybe any kind of physical contact will help. Philip’s all out of words, anyway; this is all he has left to give. And he wants to be close to Lukas, too, wants to curl around him and keep him warm and safe.

“No one can find us here,” Lukas had said, and Philip pretends that it’s true, that they’re in their own bubble of light and warmth and safety, and no one wants to hurt them for anything.

He turns onto his side and closes his eyes, pressing his face against Lukas’ shoulder. He brings a hand up there too, gently holding on like he can stop Lukas from getting dragged into all the shit that happens around them. He presses a kiss to Lukas’ shoulder, soft and quick, because he can, because he can’t not. He feels Lukas stroke his arm, comforting, before the pressure of his hand disappears, gone back to clinging to that lucky watch like it’s a lifeline. Philip doesn’t have any family heirlooms to cling to (not since his grandfather’s jacket, but he’s not going to think about that right now), so he clings to Lukas instead.

Half of him is waiting for Lukas to say something, but he doesn’t, and Philip has nothing else to say, anyway. He focuses on trying to match his breathing with Lukas’, trying to time his own breaths so they’re breathing in and out at the same time, like they’re one person. Sometimes Philip thinks about how, no matter how close he is to Lukas, it never seems enough. He wants to fill up all of Lukas’ empty spaces, wants them to fully fit together, close and perfect. It scares him, sometimes, how much he wants. How much he loves. He’s not used to it, has never loved anyone outside of his family. But he loves Lukas. He knows he does. He thinks Lukas might love him too, even if he doesn’t say it yet. It’s fine; Philip’s not ready to say it either.

He loses track of time, just lies still and focuses on matching his breathing with Lukas, and telling himself they’re safe, they’re alive, they’re safe. He even lets himself think about what it would be like if it was always like this - the two of them always able to lie on the same bed. What it would be like if there was no killer, no investigation, no terrifying fathers or absent mothers, no homophobic small town culture. Just Philip and Lukas, finally able to be together and rest. Somewhere far from Tivoli, somewhere no one knows who they are, or cares what they do. For a moment, Philip lets himself believe it’s possible.

He’s not used to getting his hopes up. He’s not really used to hoping for anything, but Lukas makes him want so many new things.

He feels Lukas shift a little under his hands, and Philip comes back to himself, back to the now. He tries to form a sentence, maybe just ask Lukas if he’s okay, but all he manages is a soft, sleepy sound. He hadn’t really realised how tired he was until he lay down, but he’s been running on fear and adrenaline all day, and all he wants to do is sleep here, with Lukas warm under his hands. He doesn’t open his eyes yet, wanting to prolong this moment for as long as he can.

He feels Lukas’ hand on his arm again, light and tentative at first, before it settles firmly on his forearm. Philip keeps breathing, as slow and deep as he can, and waits for what Lukas will do next. He expects to be gently pushed away, to be reminded that he needs to go back to his own room, that Helen and Gabe will notice, will find out. Softly, Lukas says, “Hey, sit up a second,” and Philip lets go of Lukas’ shoulder and pushes himself up, blinking, trying to prepare himself for getting up.

But Lukas just stretches out the arm that was pressed against his side, and uses his other hand to push Philip right back down. And then Philip is back against Lukas’ shoulder, except now Lukas has both arms around him, and Philip isn’t quite sure that he didn’t fall asleep after all. He’s lived this a fair few times in his dreams, after all. Maybe he fell asleep thinking about the last time Lukas held him, in the barn (and that was only last night, wasn’t it? It seems a world away).  He feels Lukas’ arm, the one he’s lying on, shift a little under him.

“Shit, my arm’s falling asleep already,” Lukas says quietly, and Philip huffs a laugh against Lukas’ skin, and, okay, maybe he is awake, maybe this is real. Maybe he can lie here and sleep in the arms of the boy he loves and pretend, just for tonight, that they’re safe.

“I’m gonna hate myself tomorrow for sleeping in my jeans,” he murmurs, just to confirm that him and Lukas really are on the same page. Part of him is still ready to be pushed away. But Lukas just sighs and squeezes him a little closer, and Philip tries to make himself relax. He hasn’t ever done this before, never shared a bed with anyone aside from his mom when he was little. He slings an arm across Lukas’ waist before he can talk himself out of it, and that’s actually really nice, because he can feel Lukas’ stomach rise and fall as he breathes. Philip lets himself fall back into breathing in time with Lukas, blocking out all the ambient country noise that he still isn’t really used to, until all he can hear is the both of them breathing in sync.

He slides into sleep so gently he doesn’t even notice it, but he doesn’t stay there long. At some point his eyes flicker open and the room is darker than he remembers it being. He and Lukas are still holding each other. Philip can already feel the line of his jeans cutting into his hips, but it feels muted and far away compared to how he can still feel the rise and fall of Lukas’ chest. He tilts his head up, squinting in the darkness, trying to make out if Lukas is asleep too.

He can’t see much, in darkness and still half asleep, but he feels Lukas’ arms tighten around him. “Hey,” Philip says, soft and sleep-rough. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, “yeah, I’m good,” and Philip feels him turn, press a kiss to the top of Philip’s head. “Go back to sleep.”

Philip kind of doesn’t want to, because he’s getting the feeling Lukas hasn’t slept at all, and he needs to fix that. Lukas shifts around him, and Philip’s pretty sure Lukas’ face is now in his hair. He can feel the flutter of eyelashes against his head every time Lukas blinks, and maybe just this, this being close to one another, is all they can do right now. Hold each other close and weather the storm.

Philip lets himself start stroking Lukas’ side. He likes the feel of Lukas’ skin under his fingers, warm and soft and real. He likes being able to just casually touch him, soft and hopefully comforting. He wants to do it all the time. It ends up comforting Philip, too, having someone he can touch, something he can hold on to when the world goes to shit around them. Having this boy he loves under his hands, where Philip can know he is, for the moment, safe.

His eyes are already shut again, and he can feel exhaustion dragging him back down. He tries to say, “You need to sleep too,” but all that comes out is a mumbled, “you, too,” against Lukas’ chest. Philip doesn’t know if he got his point across, but before he falls back asleep he feels Lukas press another kiss against his hair.


End file.
